Saturday, September 5, 2009

My Health is Not the Same

Ever since I quit smoking, I've felt a vague sense of my own weak constitution.
I've always had a strong body, usually fit, and spells of tiredness never pulled me into a thin fog during the day.

I wonder, "Do most humans experience a slight weakness during the day? A subtle tiredness?"

It's as if I'm sick with some illness that has not yet made itself apparent.

About four months ago, I started up again on the drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes routine. I tested my already poor health--

I had a hankering for excess pleasure. I forgot what it was like to drink, smoke, and be merry; and I wanted to find out. Like my name, Lethe, from Greek mythology; the River of Lethe, the river in which one forgets, I forgot.

Now my health is not the same. I feel like I have a cold that never goes away.

I can only blame the cigarettes for doing this to me. The last hurrah did me in--

It's physical, my body feels tired and weak; but it's also metaphysical, my soul feels tired and weak.

At different hours, I will have different experiences of my physical self. Some hours I don't think of it and it goes away. I will simply coast. Other hours, it's like going up a mountain trail with a heavy backpack.

I just want to give up, throw my bags down, and sleep under a tree. But usually--and this is about three or four hours into the day--I press on, I get a couple things done.

And then I take my afternoon nap. Such an easy life, it would seem. But to me it is a terribly busy life, and I look at the clock in disgust, with a serious aversion to it. Because the clock never gives me enough time. It always steals time away.

With my lingering sense of a weak constitution, and for several hours of the day, a plain irritation at things, well that leaves me with only a couple good hours to enjoy life, to enjoy being human. And believe you me if I get two hours then that was a good day.

I'm lucky to enjoy twenty minutes of lasting mind/body strength and vitality. And usually it is late, as it is now, in the middle of the night, when everyone is asleep.



Bookmarked said...

Health is a subjective experience. Do you consider yourself healthy in a positive sense (Health as a quality to do things, or to feel "good") a negative sense (Health as a state without illness) or in a functional capacity (illness prevents, health allows)?

I personally think we all go through periods of wearyness. Perhaps they can be attributed scientifically to a touch of a stubborn virus, a slight lack in one vital nutrient or other and so on. Really, in any case the pathology doesn't matter as much as how we recover from it.

Nevertheless, I hope you get "well" soon.

Kate Sherrod said...

Obviously it's time to head out and start collecting the four different kinds of water (Rain Water, White Dew, Frost Fall and Lesser Snow) white tree-peony, white water lily, white lotus and white plum (harvested at the proper times, of course) and make up a good batch of Cold Fragrance Pills. At the very least you'll smell good.

Alternately, perhaps you're simply partaking of too much of that which is dry and dark and cold and need to purge the black bile that is clogging your system.

Aren't you glad we swapped Ficino and Cao Xueqin? I could go on like this all day, but you get the idea.

Absolutely enchanted with the painting you chose to go with this, by the way. Mesmerized is perhaps a more accurate term.

Carlos said...

Wow Lethe what a human expression of truth. I too at times get tired in the middle of the day for what would seem like no good reason.

And when I quit smoking I went through bouts of fatigue.

You really struck a nerve when you mention a weakness of the soul, I remember feeling something similar to this some years ago.

What I did for my body was a de-tox with fresh fruits and vegetables. Cleaning your diet will do wonders for your energy I found out. Some teas from natural herbs may also help.

What I did for my soul was I started studying about meditation and reading what some great spiritual leaders did and how they lived. I guess you can say I started feeding my soul fresh food too. =)

Your article is a reminder to me to keep myself clean on the insides and outside. To enjoy pleasures in moderation and to put my spirit before my body.

Thank you for you candid strength and fierce courage to express and bring to light what so many of us hide from and keep hidden.



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