Saturday, September 5, 2009
My Health is Not the Same
Ever since I quit smoking, I've felt a vague sense of my own weak constitution. I've always had a strong body, usually fit, and spells of tiredness never pulled me into a thin fog during the day.
I wonder, "Do most humans experience a slight weakness during the day? A subtle tiredness?"
It's as if I'm sick with some illness that has not yet made itself apparent.
About four months ago, I started up again on the drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes routine. I tested my already poor health--
I had a hankering for excess pleasure. I forgot what it was like to drink, smoke, and be merry; and I wanted to find out. Like my name, Lethe, from Greek mythology; the River of Lethe, the river in which one forgets, I forgot.
Now my health is not the same. I feel like I have a cold that never goes away.
I can only blame the cigarettes for doing this to me. The last hurrah did me in--
It's physical, my body feels tired and weak; but it's also metaphysical, my soul feels tired and weak.
At different hours, I will have different experiences of my physical self. Some hours I don't think of it and it goes away. I will simply coast. Other hours, it's like going up a mountain trail with a heavy backpack.
I just want to give up, throw my bags down, and sleep under a tree. But usually--and this is about three or four hours into the day--I press on, I get a couple things done.
And then I take my afternoon nap. Such an easy life, it would seem. But to me it is a terribly busy life, and I look at the clock in disgust, with a serious aversion to it. Because the clock never gives me enough time. It always steals time away.
With my lingering sense of a weak constitution, and for several hours of the day, a plain irritation at things, well that leaves me with only a couple good hours to enjoy life, to enjoy being human. And believe you me if I get two hours then that was a good day.
I'm lucky to enjoy twenty minutes of lasting mind/body strength and vitality. And usually it is late, as it is now, in the middle of the night, when everyone is asleep.
ARTWORK BY RUDOLF HAUSNER
Posted by Lethe at 12:10 AM
Labels: health, Rudolf Hausner, tiredness, weakness